I care too much.
That’s a fatal flaw. I think. Sometimes I believe that too. Maybe it’s a Pisces thing. We love to fall in love with the idea of love or people.
We are selfless. If we are in, we are all in. That’s rubbish. Be all in for – YOU.
I have been learning that it is good to care enough and not too much.
Because too much of a good thing is never good, is it? Has this been you as well?
Check yourself before you wreck yourself
Being selfless as they taught us, is actually a self-harming thing. This doesn’t mean you have to be selfish. You don’t lose the sense of self, we really shouldn’t. It just means you put yourself first, fill your cup before filling someone else’s. Wear your oxygen mask before you save someone else. Password protect yourself before you wreck yourself. (Hah! Gotcha)
2020 you have been a total douchebag
2020 feels like a workout session or a waxing session that you opted for and immediately regret putting yourself through it. I am feeling the pain in places that I didn’t know I had. Like my heart and my nervous system. (Hah!)
I am hurting, learning and something has changed amidst all that. I am learning that I haven’t been honoring myself or been loving myself as intended.
Choose your fucking* self
*The cuss word is used as emphasis and me wanting to shake sense into you so you don’t end up as foolish as me.
I have been a silent enemy of myself. I haven’t been having my back. I am realizing that I don’t need external love or validation to make myself feel better. What I always needed was myself, to have my back, and to keep choosing myself, even when I was the worst. Keep choosing yourself when things go haywire.
My eyes!! Houston, we found a solution (not Bausch + Lomb)
I saw this concept of self-love and thought it was bullshit, a buzzword. Now, not so much. I guess it hit me hard in my sockets and I can’t ignore all these feels that keep pouring out. Most of it is regret and moroseness of years of ignoring myself. Years of not prioritizing myself and putting people on an undeserving pedestal. All these stupid variants of “don’t wanna hurt them”, “don’t want to be mean”. I guess I am drained, tired of my bullshit and I am calling it as I see it.
I am at home
Realizing that the home I need is me. I am my home, I live in it. I haven’t been keeping things in order and lord knows there is a lot of tending that needs to be done.
I realize that I have always wanted the realness of it all. But I have been hiding, protecting myself. Some of it is moving to a new country and culture and some of it are my insecurities.
Feelings are not evil, they don’t need an exorcism
I needed someone to save me when I was in my teens. Later somehow grew out of it, took control. I ended up making myself believe that feeling too much was bad, feeling anything was bad. Feelings were to be controlled. How foolish to stop nature.
That was my way of coping, it made me feel safe. However, now that approach is restraining me and holding me back. I am now unlearning some of these toxic patterns. I am learning coping mechanisms come with an expiry date, when the purpose is served, some of them become later toxic.
Feelings are just that feelings, they aren’t real, they are perhaps signs of what you need, a reminder to get your shit together. Not something to hide away or run away from.
The method I used to cope? Repress all those feels, make yourself seem less sensitive. It is just now that I learned that I was hypersensitive. Too empathetic. Now I know why I felt everything in the movies because I didn’t have boundaries. I literally was living these characters and feeling their pain and angst. In some ways, their stories were my therapy.
I’ve learned somehow to not take responsibility for others. Their feelings and actions, it is not my job. This was done through a lot of pain and tears.
I hope you skip this step
I wish I had an easy way through this. Most of us go through this awakening only when we have reached that breaking point. Heartbreak, loss of sense of self, all of those do that. I hope, I really do, that this post does that for you. So you don’t have to go through the pain of learning and healing. Instead, I hope you can skip that approach and try to put yourself first. If you have been having the right balance, give me tips?
Stop being a jackass
If you don’t give a shit anyway about others and always put yourself first in every way to the extreme – learn compassion, you eejit. Value people and their care enough to realize you have the privilege of someone caring enough to put you first, even as your actions don’t deserve it.
If there is anything you take away from reading this; it is something I have learned myself. It is an analogy that I think was derived. Just because you are an uncut diamond that lacks the same brilliance as polished one and someone fails to see you as one doesn’t mean you aren’t valuable or worthy. It just means the other person doesn’t have a discerning eye. You are worthy! Even when someone sees it or not. That includes you as well!!
Stop standing in your way, acknowledge your faults, try to move on, and love yourself enough to receive. I am still learning this. I am not sure if I like the process, but it is better than settling for less.
Get uncomfortably real, starting with you
Be you, be yourself, be authentic. We all are learning, we are all messed up. We all are afraid to open up. It takes two to tango and three to the crowd if you get my drift, we all suck. The solution perhaps is to look internally and stop trying to find the love outside and accept yourself as worthy contender for all great things that life has to offer.
Kindness is sexy AF
If you still stuck around to read this sentence, much love and contentment to you. Stay safe, be forevermore kind than necessary. I promise you that is sexy. Real always is.🤞🏽❤️❤️