Santa’s Having an Existential Crisis Kids and It’s Looking Pretty Unchristmassy

A satire

Kids, let me tell ya. It is not fun being a Santa freakin’ Claus. I have my reasons. Sure, you think, ‘well this guy works one day a year, what’s his goddamn problem’. I have a ton, a bunch of them I can list.

  1. I am old.
  2. I am branded with a red and white costume that I can’t get out of.
  3. I need to watch over creepy kids.

Need I say more?! YES I SHALL. I need to take this off my chest – the one underneath a 60 pound beard and stash. Add that to #4!

Stop calling me old!

They call me an old man. Well, that’s freakin’ rude. You wouldn’t say that to a lady would ya?! Nope, that’s reverse sexism for you kids, Google it.

That ridiculous costume!

I am supposed to be a wearing a costume dictated by Coca-Cola. The same damn thing, it’s not like I even get considered a genius for wearing the same uniform. Ya know what my favorite colour is? YOU DON’T! All you care about is your own favorite colour.

Mine is green, like the Grinch? Yeah, he was an old pal of mine.

Photo by Kaboompics .com on

I hate spying!

Anywhooo, in the spirit of ranting. You’d think working a day in a year would be fun, hate to break it to you, it ain’t. What they don’t tell you is I have to supervise the lot of you nasty little munchkins, 24/7. That’s for the rest of your lives till you stop believing in me and start believing in television commercials and start doing pot and cocaine. But that’s for another rant.

Malls need to burn down.

Another thing that is wonderful about my job is I get to sit in malls, yay, STINKY ones too! What do I get? Slobby kids on my laps tugging on to my beard. DON’T DO THAT! Another confession: I am a germophobe. That means I like your kids perched on my lap as much as I like taking the phone to the loo. Alteast, I can flush the phone down the toilet. Kids smell just as bad too! Did I tell you about the time this one kid came with a nasty diaper? You wouldn’t believe what happened next! *gasp*

Photo by Pixabay on

Some diabetes, please!

Also, the diet of a Santa? Well, that’s made for diabetes. Milk and cookies, what a joke. Next time, leave a pastrami sandwich or spaghetti and meat balls or something. Indian food will be superb as well.

I need a ride upgrade.

In the age of Uber, pray what does a reindeer carriage achieve? Inefficiency and incompetency, that’s what. I need an upgrade, I’ve been complaining since the last 100 years. Is Elon Musk the to-go guy for this? Oh wait, he is no longer relevant. Yes, bitches I know who he is, since he was a wee little kid. It’s true what they tell about him!

No one loves me.

Like you, no one loves me either, boo-hoo. Imagine being remembered once a year. Imagine people putting you up on a pedestal, (literally and figuratively) and then pushing you off it once the 25th midnight clock tolls. All that love and sudden lack thereof. *poof* People are pretty transactional, kids even more so!

Photo by on

Too much pressure!

I am not talking about all those cookies. Imagine you wake up one morning and people expect all these materialistic BS from you! Imagine lining up at malls, incognito with that beer belly just to buy gifts off a shopping list that never ends! You buy them what they want and they are still unhappy, because they weren’t specific enough that they wanted that freakin firetruck in neon pink. Bunch of weirdos.

The sucky music!

Christmas Carol sounds fun the first hundred year of your existence, but it gets pretty old pretty soon. What I would like is Weird Al Yankovic playing softly in the background.

Photo by Snapwire on

The job description is vague AF! They never told my I’d be the UPS guy with no career graph.

It was basically – wear costume, send gifts, and make people happy. The first two is direct enough, the latter one is the problem. In my years of service, I’ve learnt all this crap they are listing, it never makes them happy. These fools love a good sale, that’s all I can figure.

PS: I am still waiting for my promotion. You complain about not climbing the corporate ladder? The ladder doesn’t exist in my world!

I hate those hallmark movies

Christmas movies should be banned. That Tim Burton, he did give a good try through. @Netflix stop looting people with that cheesy content! It wasn’t original the first time neither is it now! One more time I am represented in the film, I’ll have to rethink about my royalties.

Santa Claus existential crisis
Photo by Martin Péchy on

Leave me alone!

So folks stop idolizing me as your go-to guy for Christmas. I am not! I have 99 problems and all of them are pretty much you folks! Don’t you think I’d like to sit by the fireplace, drinking alcohol and listening to Last Christmas? You guys even ruined my marriage, she walked out on me cause I didn’t spend the most important holiday with her – the boxing day. She needed me to lift those boxes.

You don’t make a big deal about it.

If Hallmark was true about something it is this – Christmas lives within you. And well with your families, if they aren’t annoying enough or if you aren’t. So try to be a normal human and tolerate each other and leave me out of it will ya.

Till next year.

~ Santa was never here.

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